People will say it’s wrong to change or stretch facts to give America hope in a time of war, but what people seem to forget, is that this has been standard practice from the beginning of not only US history, but World history. It’s a necessity in order to settle the minds of normal people who would otherwise have a difficult time accepting the truth of death, pain, suffering, and periodic defeats in a war. It’s normal.

We’re not programmed to accept death as a consequence… death as a sacrifice for a greater good. Especially when that greater good may not be seen for several years.

From the Egyptians and Romans to the young men involved in raising the flag at Iwo Jima, leaders of war have given us heroes to signify hope and promise of victory. If those heroes are scrutinized every time they’re brought forward, our nation stands to see a collapse in power and respect. If the true images of war are shown instead, the average American will never have the ability to justify it, and will continue to argue against it.

Whether or not the war we’re involved in right now is “right” or not, our leaders should have the ability to show us the good, to create their own vision to show to us, so that we may better understand and appreciate the greater goals, and have the ability to refocus on the greater good.

Blind faith has never been my strong suit.

So, does everything really happen for a reason? So many things happen everyday, I can’t imaging this is true… but wait a second. Ok, we’ve all been through something that’s seemed like a complete waste of time. Right? Well, it’s only a waste of time if you haven’t learned anything from it – even if it’s just never to do that again.

I’ve found that reflecting on things I’ve done, been through, survived, whatever… that these things have been required to put me in the correct mindset, for me to be physically standing in the correct place at the right time, and that when my mind and physical presence are aligned – the ability to accept the right thing to happen.

I stand almost in complete amazement at the ups and downs that have brought me here. I know that I wondered if it would ever even happen to me, but it has, and I’m just going to be grateful.

ser·en·dip·i·ty [ser-uhn-dip-i-tee]
n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties

1. The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
2. The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
3. An instance of making such a discovery.

ser’en·dip’i·tous adj., ser’en·dip’i·tous·ly adv.

Once just a favorite movie of mine, now it’s entered my life…

I’m not going to post today about what happened… what I discovered by accident… but I can tell you this; everyone, everyday, can be serendipitous. No matter what you’re doing, going about your mundane daily activities, if you open your mind to the possibility that there is something that you’re missing… it’s then that you’ll find it.

But what is it?

Just simply the act of being open to opportunity, possibilities… answers to questions, hopes, dreams… it’s right in front of you.

Have you ever gotten that chill down your spine when you suddenly realize something – totally unrelated to what you’re doing – but because of what you’re doing? That instant when you think to yourself, “that’s it!”

Serendipity.

Whatever problem confronts you, whatever situation you’re in that you just can’t see the end of… there’s no need to just “get over it” – but set it aside, meditate on it… just relax. You’ll find, in the things you do every single day – if you look and listen closely enough – answers and solutions will come in abundance.

Alright, so I took a Claritin last night because I was stuffed up and allergied… maybe that’s given me a buzz? I mean, I haven’t taken one in a while…

But then there’s this… a friend of mine called at 11pm last night and needed help. She had just gotten her car back after months of struggling with repairs and other things. Her car battery was dead and she had to get to Milwaukee to see her boyfriend! I only live about a mile away, so she called me first to see if I could help.

Now, to be completely honest, a week ago there’s no way I would’ve gone. I just wouldn’t have. I was tired, in my boxers, trying to wind-down.

But here’s what’s different now…

Last Saturday, my sister and I went to a seminar in Chicago. This seminar was held by a company who’s goal is to enrich people’s lives by giving. They talked about the differences between giving to give and giving to receive. I had realized that in many parts of my life, I had been giving to receive without really even knowing it. A seed was planted to simply find any opportunity I could to give just simply to give.

So, I put on some clothes, and headed down the road to save the day. I was there about an hour or so… she was in an apartment garage in a tough spot – it took a while to get our cars in position to jump. But, we finally got it. I packed up, sent her on her way, and headed home myself.

I have to admit… thinking about it kind of gives me a little buzz. A lot of you may be thinking “what’s the big deal?” But it’s done something to me. I’m buzzed with excitement. But again, maybe it’s just the medication.

I doubt it.

Give something away today. Give it because you don’t want anything else besides the feeling of giving. You’ll get back tenfold what you put out there. Make it a habit. Consciously give every day and let’s see what happens!

This got me thinking.

How many of us are actually living up to our potential every day? I mean, really… are we living each day with positivity and production or letting outside forces work us instead of working them?

I can tell you right now that I’m not living to my potential every day. I know this because I’m severely depressed – and not just because the Badgers lost. See, I had a hard time talking about this a while back because I was insecure about it, but lately I’ve found that the more I put out there, the more I get back. At the end of last year, I started taking Lexapro for anxiety/depression. I’ve had anxiety forever, but what I didn’t realize is that it was originally started by, and continues to be fed by, depression. So, everyday I struggle with just being normal it seems like – much less to living up to some potential (which in my head is far beyond what I do in a day).

I’ve struggled with a recent break-up as well. It’s miserable. I can go a few days without stressing about it, but then I’ll hit a wall and decide to call or text message, which then of course leads down a endless path to tears. What I realized is that this is a very common problem among people who are still pining over their ex’s: you leave a voice mail, email, or text message – and then wait. That waiting turns you into an obsessive lunatic who’s forgotten that they have better things to do than wait for a call back from someone who doesn’t even give a shit that you left a message in the first place.

It’s a vicious cycle. It’s like quitting smoking… when you get the urge, do whatever it takes to make it pass. The next time it’ll be easier. Of course, that’s much easier said than done, as I still smoke as well. :(

Luckily, I have the ability to fill my time with productive activities instead of destructive ones which I know simply cover-up the emotions you’re trying to heal. I have my first weekly business networking meeting on Thursday morning. It’s a group of marketing-minded business people from around the Madison area who get together once a week to network and discuss issues. I’m nervous, but it should be fun. I’m also getting deep into the development of a web project I’m taking on at work…. to be announced this coming week, I’ll be heading up the web development for the project moving forward. I’ll also be slowly giving up my duties as the affiliate marketing manager to do HTML/CSS design full-time. With my passion for marketing, and knowledge of design and code, I’ll get to optimize our web properties for success. It should be fun.

Back to my issues though. Or, how I’m attacking them…

My goals for this coming week on a personal level are to – talk to my shrink about a counselor referral so I can put these relationship issues behind me once and for all. Also, to start my exercise plan I’ve been trying to start for weeks now. Three days per week… should be… wonderful… or something.

I’ve already started a meditation program which I’ve wanted to do for years. If you’re interested, it’s called Holosync by Centerpointe Research Institute. It’s great stuff… I just need to make time for it every night instead of every other night. Oh, I’ve also started a journal – which is another thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Again, not getting to it every day, but I’m getting there.

I’ll be doing laser therapy in June to quit smoking. Why June? I’ve gotten that a lot. First, because it’s good to pick a date. And second, I’m going to Florida in April to drive back up with my aunt who’s moving here. She’s a smoker and the main reason she wanted me to come is so she could smoke with me on the drive… :P

Alright, I’m all over the place. This was long enough to digest I think… although I think I wrote this one mainly for me.

I’d like to thank Deann, Kyle, Mary, and Sarah for making this last week tolerable. :)

Read this current article to get a quick overview on my general thoughts on the subject. There’s thousands more like it – but you won’t be seeing them publicized on the national news. BUT, what you would’ve heard on the national news in 1975 is the story Newsweek broke about Global COOLING. Yes, cooling. 32 years ago.

Don’t believe me? Look it up.

The question remains why our world is in a position to further the global warming myth. At some point, money and power are surely involved – but on my birthday, I refuse to expend the mental power necessary to allege such claims.

So should we keep burning oil and such? My opinion is no. I love the idea of hydrogen cars and other alternative power sources. I wanted to build a home using only solar and geothermal heating/cooling. Why? Because the fact that we will, at some point, use up the earth’s natural resources is real. The “fact” that the earth is warming any more than it would in a normal cycle… is, well, a lie.

I think about people I’ve known who have touched my life, jobs I’ve had that helped put me in the position I’m in today, places I’ve visited and left and if I’ve made a difference to anyone there. See, I feel like I’ve been lucky to do things in my life so far that have left me unbound from answering to anyone but myself. I was only 14 when I first experienced love, just 15 when I started planning out my first business venture, 16 when I recorded my first song… I’ve lived in small towns, college towns, and big cities. Visited places where everyone knew my name and places where no one could understand me. I’ve faced my biggest fears, my deepest personal issues, and ended up better after it was over. I’ve risked a lot but have gained much more.

What’s funny, is that my thoughts mainly focus on the risks I’ve yet to take. Bigger chances that I know will prove to bear greater fruit.

I’m very sentimental… nostalgic… I appreciate every step of my past and truly look at it fondly. I’ve you’ve been part of it at any time… thank you.

Some things I have planned for my 29th year…

• With my WorldAura site on hold, I should be launching Enwrap – a place to cover your MySpace page with beauty.
• One of the most exciting business discoveries I’ve had to date, I’ll be partnering with a company that allows businesses and individuals to automatically send physical greeting cards from an online interface. All with your personal handwriting, signature, ability to send automatic follow up cards to customers, and more.
• Meditation. I’ve recently purchased, and am waiting for, a meditaion program that will hopefully allow me to become more centered, have less anxiety, feel more rested, etc. The program I purchased after hearing a recommendation from a business associate is HERE.
• A Wisconsin run to the Final Four?

That’s about it. Thanks for all your birthday wishes thus far… it means a lot to hear from all the people I have lately.

Which brings me to my current dilemma – the ladybug. Ladybugs somehow start to swarm the windows and doors here as winter approaches, inevitably finding a crack to get inside. They may be cute one at a time, but literally hundreds of them clumped up in the corners of windows and screen doors (inside) is disgusting.

This brings me to my current pleasure… watching 2 of them die without having to do anything. Bugs are stupid, as if someone needed to tell you that. There’s a florescent ceiling light above me, a round one, which is basically sealed to the ceiling. But of course, the ladybug finds a way into this light. The only problem for them, is that they quickly forget which way they came in, and can never get out.

There’s plenty of other bugs there already; their dead carcasses creating raison-like silhouettes on the frosted glass. The 2 ladies who recently joined them seemed excited at first, half-flying and hitting the top of the light, only to be bounced back to the bottom and creating a ‘ding’ from their hard shells hitting the surface. They’ve stopped flying now. Occasionally while their walking around they’ll bump into each other – sometimes 2 or 3 times in a row as if to say “why the hell did you lead me in here?”

It seems hunger may have already got the best of them, as they are running into the old bug carcasses from weeks past and, from what I can tell from the shadows, nipping at their bodies. Most likely not getting anything worth while, they slowly pace on opposite sides of the light, maybe it’s getting hot. Well, they wanted out of the cold… be careful what you wish for.

About 3 inches apart now, they’re maintaining their current positions – not walking around, but shaking fairly violently. I’m smiling. They stop, then shake again, sometimes making a last-ditch attempt for a crevasse to slip out. Sniffing around the dead bugs again, pulling, shaking… they know they’re time is almost up. They’re even starting to nip at each other, probably realizing that the only meal in their new universe is the other. They’re staying on opposite sides of the light now.

Another has landed on the outside of the light now. Maybe the 2 called for help? Or more likely, another sad attempt to attack my world gone awry. He’s mad he can’t yet find a way in, but I’m sure he will.

He made it in.

I’ve tired of their antics so I armed myself with my can of bug killer. I’ve sprayed towards the ceiling next to the light, hoping to get the fumes into the dome. I’m waiting…

Attacks on the dead bugs have gotten vicious now. I’m amazed at this survival mode. Shaking franticly with the hopes of a last meal. One has stopped moving and the 2nd of the first 2 bugs is already trying to either eat it or revive it. The 3rd lady has been devouring the largest carcass that greeted them, breaking it into 3 pieces.

Sleep my pets… sleep… calm your shaking, for your last minutes should be spent peaceful.

They’re shadows are still now… calm. It’s over for now. Until the next one arrives.

She’s here.

Plus I’m claustrophobic.

If you feel something so painful that it makes you change for the better, are you changing just to avoid more pain? Or are you changing because the initial pain made you realize how you really want to be? Change for pain, or change for happiness… which is more powerful?

I’m going to venture to say that in the short term, people will make changes to avoid pain, regardless of how the change may take a piece of their soul. Too many changes to avoid pain and we don’t even know who we are anymore.

But what about a change in response to pain, that may cause you even more pain in the short term, but pays off with happiness through knowing yourself better forever? How does one choose to make that choice to endure more pain? Is it even a choice one consciously makes?

I suppose people choose to go through pain or discomfort all the time in hopes of feeling better afterwards. But when that discomfort becomes too great, do we give up? Do we let the pain prevent us from reaching our goal?

I’m making the choice to endure some pain. Pain that hurts, but is no where near the pain I’ve had for 14 years, hidden behind words and temperament. As this new pain grows, the old pain has started to fade. I have the end in sight, and I’m holding steady. The new pain is temporary, I know. And when I hold the end of the rope from this long climb, I’ll look down and remember where I was, and take in how good it feels not to be there any longer.

It’s been a month now. Silent. A month that’s the result from years of noise begging to be muffled. A silent spell to gain perspective, to focus on what’s important, and to make a change.

This week has been nuts with the Chicago trip, coming back to hectic work situations [clearing my throat], sleeping poorly… but I’m looking forward to 10 minutes from now. Tonight will be fun as long as the rain stays away – Saturday morning we’re cleaning the garage (Heather, we ARE) – and then Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday I’ll spend preparing the new site for programming. I’m hoping to be done sometime in the next 2 weeks.

I read an article last night that I passed on to Heather, but thought some of you may be able to take something out of it too. It’s technically about what start-up companies go through and what it’s all really about – but no matter what you do, the last part of the article is priceless… it talks about the REAL motivation for starting your own business…

The goal is to work your ass off now, quickly… to make a ton of money NOW… not because it’s about money, but its about the speed of which you make that money. I’ll make a lifetime of money in the next 5-10 years, while you might do it in 25-40. That gives me 20-30 years of extra life to spend doing things that I love and not having to worry about an alarm clock, bills, and the other everyday stresses that a typical life carries with it.

I, for one, am going to keep that in mind as I continue to work 16 hour days…

E